A Total Cluster

New Rules: The Epstein Files Edition – Because Nothing Says ‘Transparency’ Like a Million Pages of Absolutely Nothing.

Let’s face it, in 2026, we’re all just holograms yelling into the void anyway. Tonight – or whenever you’re reading this on your doom-scroll device – we’re diving into the Great Epstein File Fiasco of 2026. You know, that massive DOJ dump of over three million pages, plus videos and images that promised to blow the lid off the elite pedophile cabal, but instead just gave us carpal tunnel from endless PDF scrolling.

Spoiler: It’s a bust. A big, fat, nothing-burger served with a side of redacted fries.

Epstein? That creepy financier who partied with presidents, princes, and probably your uncle who won’t shut up about QAnon at Thanksgiving? Yeah, we knew he was a monster. Flight logs with Clinton, Trump chit-chat, Gates awkwardly denying island visits – it’s all been out there since before COVID turned us into hermits. But this latest release? It’s like the government said, “Hey, conspiracy nuts, here’s a haystack. Go find your needle. We’ll be over here laughing.”And boy, did the nuts show up. People are poring over these files like they’re the Dead Sea Scrolls, AI tools churning out summaries faster than Elon Musk churns out kids. But what’s in there? Rehashed emails, uncorroborated tips to the FBI, procedural crap from Maxwell’s trial, and a bunch of “associations” that sound juicy but prove zilch. No secret client list. No blackmail videos of world leaders in compromising positions – unless you count that one grainy clip of someone who might be Prince Andrew eating pizza with a fork. (Okay, I made that up, but it wouldn’t surprise me.)

The mainstream media – CNN, NYT, all the usual suspects – called it early: No smoking gun. The DOJ even admitted, “Nothing here to prosecute third parties.” Translation: Move along, folks. Nothing to see but the same old rot of powerful people ignoring red flags because, hey, free flights to the Caribbean!But oh, the buzz! The endless, soul-sucking buzz. Conspiracy theorists are in overdrive, spinning yarns about body doubles, ritual sacrifices, and how Epstein’s “suicide” was really a hit by Mossad/Soros/the Illuminati (pick your poison). It’s like the files were designed to be a Rorschach test for paranoia: You see what you want, and what you want is validation that the world’s run by lizard people in suits.

Which brings me to Candace Owens or who I, “Candic Olsen,” because who hasn’t fat-fingered a name while rage-tweeting from the Great White North?

I used to follow her, back when she was the sharp-tongued conservative firebrand taking swings at the left. But now? Holy hell, she’s lost her fucking mind. And I say that with the affection of someone who’s seen a lot of minds get lost, some would say mine.

Owens has gone full tinfoil hat on these Epstein files. Podcast episodes titled “BAAL SO HARD: The Epstein Files” – yeah, that’s real – where she rants about elites worshiping Satan, Peter Thiel’s shady ties, Jay-Z on some list, and how it’s all a Zionist plot with “satanic pedophiles who work for Israel.” She’s mining the docs for words like “goyim” to “wake up” Christians and leave the “Zionist cause.” And don’t get me started on her Charlie Kirk obsession. The guy’s assassinated in September 2025 – tragic, sure – but Owens turns it into a fever dream: Israel did it!

Betrayal at Turning Point USA! Kirk had a “third eye,” could make street lamps flicker with his “frequency,” astral project, time-travel, and, oh yeah, he visits her in dreams, whispering about cover-ups.

Erika Kirk, his widow, begs her to stop – “Please, for the love of God, let us grieve” – but nope. Owens doubles down with leaked texts, audio clips, and wild claims about Erika’s whereabouts the night before. It’s antisemitic-tinged grift at its finest, blending Epstein paranoia with Kirk conspiracies into a toxic smoothie.

Like I said, I once respected and followed her, but now she’s lost me totally with her crazy shit. Smart move unfollowing. Life’s too short for that level of unhinged.

New Rule: When the government – or any branch of it, from the DOJ to the DMV – releases “information” like this, you can be damn sure it’s pretty much nothing. Ignore it. Save yourself the time. These dumps aren’t transparency; they’re distraction porn. Millions of pages of benign bullshit to keep you tied up in knots, arguing on X about redactions while the real crooks laugh all the way to the bank (or the island, if it’s still standing).

Think about it: Why do they want us buried in this crap? What’s the endgame? While we’re decoding blurry emails and debating if Macron’s wife is secretly his boyfriend (another Owens gem), what are they doing behind our backs? Christ, I have seen videos where some say you can remove all the blacked-out words, I mean, come the fuck on, seriously, one too many funny mushrooms.

Pushing through shady bills? Gutting regulations? Starting another endless war? Or hell, maybe just binge-watching Netflix like normal people, knowing we’ve self-destructed into conspiracy comas.

The real question isn’t “What’s in the files?” It’s “Why the theatre?” These releases are pressure valves – let out just enough steam to make us feel like we’re “in the know,” but never enough to spark actual accountability. No new indictments. It’s like getting that massage in that shady part of town, and no happy ending. No elite perp walks. Just more fuel for the outrage machine, keeping podcasters like Owens in Lamborghinis and the rest of us exhausted.So, America – and you too, Mark, up there in Canada where the air’s cleaner and the politics slightly less insane – next time a “bombshell” file drop hits, do yourself a favour:

Close the tab, Alt-F4. Go outside. Touch grass. Or better yet, vote for people who might actually fix shit instead of distracting us with it.