Oh, folks, gather ’round because tonight we’re diving into the steaming pile of economic delusion that’s coming out of Canada’s Liberal government. You know, the one led by Mark Carney, who promised us the fastest-growing economy in the G7 but delivered the fastest-shrinking one instead? Yeah, that guy. And his sidekick, Francis Philip Champagne—wait, hold on, is that his real name or did he lose a bet to a bottle of bubbly? Anyway, this minister sounds like Kermit the Frog after a three-day bender.
Seriously, if it were actually Kermit up there croaking about “generational investments,” at least the frog would have some self-awareness. He’d be like, “It’s not easy being green… with all this red ink.” But no, Champagne’s chugging his own Kool-Aid so hard, he’s probably got blue lips from the dye. Delusional doesn’t even cover it—this guy’s hallucinating rainbows while the country’s economy circles the drain.
Let’s talk about this “generational investment” nonsense they’re peddling. They’re out there comparing the current mess to 1945, post-World War II, like it’s some heroic rebuild. Oh, please. Back then, our grandparents weren’t just borrowing money to look busy; they were building actual stuff—rails, roads, ports, factories. It was industry-driven, baby! Soldiers coming home, cranking out cars and houses, turning Canada into an economic powerhouse without printing money like it’s Monopoly cash. That era was about sweat, steel, and real growth, not ballooning deficits and photo-ops in Europe. Today? These clowns are racking up billions in debt—$100 billion deficit this year alone, folks—and calling it “investment.” Investment in what? More bureaucracy? Higher taxes that chase away investors? It’s like saying you’re “investing” in your future by maxing out your credit cards on lottery tickets. Sure, it feels good in the moment, but wake up broke and wondering where your pants went.
And don’t get me started on the blame game. The Liberals are pointing fingers at Trump and his tariffs for the exodus of investment—billions fleeing Canada like it’s a bad blind date. “Oh, it’s the big bad orange man!” they whine. But hold on, Einstein: if Trump’s so scary, why are all our tech founders and entrepreneurs bolting straight to the U.S.? Sixty-seven percent of Canadian startups launched last year are headquartered outside Canada—double from a decade ago. They’re not running from tariffs; they’re running from your carbon taxes, red tape thicker than a Toronto traffic jam, and policies that change faster than Carney’s excuses. Bill C-69? That’s not legislation; that’s an investor repellent spray. Projects get stalled, cancelled, or buried in paperwork before a shovel hits dirt. And while Champagne’s yammering about “diversifying” to Europe and Mexico (which, by the way, make up less than 10% of our trade), our real partner—the U.S.—is eating our lunch because, surprise, they reward success instead of punishing it.
Pierre Poilievre nailed it in that scathing letter: Carney’s doubled the deficit in six months, flooded the economy with printed money, and now we’re staring down rampant inflation. Food prices? Up 70% faster than targets, with four million food bank visits in Toronto alone. Home building? Dropping like a rock after promises to double it. And the “crooked accounting”—splitting the budget in two to hide the mess? That’s not transparency; that’s Enron-level sleight of hand. Even the Business Council says Carney’s regs are more damaging than Trump’s policies. Ouch.
Look, if these “visionaries” were half as good at cutting red tape at home as they are at cutting ribbons abroad, maybe Canadians wouldn’t be so broke they need government handouts for school lunches. But no, it’s all theatre: glossy photo-ops, fake roundtables, bragging about deals that never materialize. Carney struts on the UN stage claiming Canada has “what the world wants” and “fiscal capacity to act decisively.” Fiscal capacity? Buddy, you’re borrowing from future generations to fund your ego trip. It’s embarrassing—like watching your drunk uncle hit on the waitress while his house burns down.
And to all the short-sighted folks cheering “tax the rich!”—how’s that working out? The rich are leaving, taking their jobs, innovation, and tax dollars with them. Your life’s not better; it’s worse.
The government is stepping in to build homes and feed kids because you can’t afford it anymore. That’s not progress; that’s dependency, and it’s disgusting. Manipulative. Exploitative. If facts mattered—and they do—we wouldn’t be in this hole. But hey, keep sipping that Liberal Kool-Aid, Champagne-style. Just don’t blame me when the hangover hits.
In the end, is it fair to pin the blame entirely on this government? Damn right it is. They set the standards, broke their promises, and turned a thriving nation into a cautionary tale. Time to let the budget watchdog off the leash and get some truth. Otherwise, we’re all frogs in boiling water, waiting for Kermit to save us.
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